I did it. I stepped on the scale. 150.4.
I am wearing my heavy sweats…and also a sweatshirt. But (sigh) they can’t possibly weigh more than two or three pounds, which leaves me somewhere around 148. There’s that hope thing again- after eating like shit and drinking almost every night, what other number might I be deserving of?
First, let me tell you about my typical morning. Sometimes I wake up to my alarm, sometimes a little before. Usually I don’t hit snooze because it’s a tease and I’m an adult. Then, almost immediately, I remember everything I consumed the night before: so either tequila, wine, chips, ice cream and now apparently some form of candy like chocolate or even Jawbreaker lollipops?!?! (Let me say I only did that once, obviously out of desperation.) Next I brush my teeth, poking at my seriously inflamed cheeks as I turn my head in different directions to see the puffiness from all angles. Begrudgingly I choose an outfit- some combination of yoga pants and a shirt, then sweatpants and a hoodie to go over that. Can’t forget the beanie. (Too bad it doesn’t cover my face.) Then I’m out the door. I walk heavily down the street, shaking my head at myself, not even catching glimpses of my body in windows, but straight up following my reflection until it passes into the next pane and my head is almost backwards. Beneath the brim of my hat, my eyes nervously scan oncoming traffic for someone I might know because I’ll have to cross the street. And for the next twenty minutes:
“I can’t possibly be seen like this and last night can’t happen again and I’m going straight home after work and I have to save money and why did I do that again and two months of this is ridiculous and summer is coming I’ll have to wear a bathing suit and now I have to workout and I’m hungover.” Repeat.
This is the crawl at the bottom of the screen in my head.
In order for people to change they have to want to change. I still don’t feel like going on a diet. It won’t work and I’d rather wallow neck-deep in candy wrappers and tequila bottles first. So there. Happy friday.
P.S. Dear Ben & Jerry’s, I had high hopes for your Cannoli flavor and you let me down.